This post is especially hard to write today. In the last week we have lost 2 dogs, both we had to euthanize. The waves of grief are unimaginable. It seems so much worse being that these babies were not dying from old age, it was unexpected. What to do now? Not only are we grieving, the entire pack dynamic has shifted once again. The dogs know their brothers are no longer with us. Some are impacted more than others. One, Jojo, was a direct sibling of another. KC, the surviving sibling has been more clingy, noticing less energy, less attempts at play with the other pups, noting her to sniff our house especially the garage and perimeter. She knows her brother is gone, but was not able to be with him or see him during euthanasia or after. We lost Herman just last night. His brother Roelo, not direct sibling, but they have been together since Roelo was a pup, is very quiet and clingy. He is currently sleeping next to the garage door, maybe he thinks he is in there. I imagine the smell of Herman is stronger in the garage since he was fed and crated there.
Following the advice of both veterinarians, euthanasia was the right choice. However, I'm left with doubt. Did we make the right decision, did we react to quickly? I will never know the answer and that is what seems to be haunting me the most. I know I did want to end his suffering, further exploratory procedures would have prolonged this. Not to mention, Herman was not a happy dog at the vet during well visits. Prolonging and adding more veterinarian visits did not seem like that was the right path.
Saying goodbye, how to move on? Thinking about moving on is just simply a way of life. There is no choice but moving forward. Having 18 other precious babies that need me help me to heal. There smiles, there cuddles, there quirky ways, make me smile. It makes it easier to remember Herman when he was healthy and happy. Trying to find solace in there happiness, meeting their needs gives me purpose. Having been through this many time in the past, it never ever gets easier. I do know that I can survive this grief, I can continue to find joy in life within the pack that we have at home. Sticking to routines, continuing to be involved in the cares of our pack and working help me to move forward. To know Herman and Jojo had a great life however short, was the best it could be. They did not die unwanted or unloved. They knew happiness and love. They were sheltered, safe, happy. Fly high Jojo and Herman, say hi to all your old pals up there!
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